communism doesn't work

I, During a well earned coffee break today risked being lynched for daring to turn the TV channel over from 4Music to *gasp* BBC news. Now I'm sure this to you may seem slightly a minor thing, indeed possibly even something that , in any normal place of work, would not even cause anyone to even look up from their coffee of choice (Currently we have the choice of 5 variations of coffee available!!! only 55p a cup!!)

Sadly the murmurs of annoyance were being prepared in the throats of the assorted work-force even as I confidently stood up and paced towards the TV, now in my defence I would like to point out at the time that nobody was watching the TV, indeed nobody seemed to be listening as all that was on was some weird hybrid of an interview/advert, you know the ones, "this is an advert" in small letters across the bottom yet filmed as an authentic interview. I digress.

Since the open vote for what everyone would like to see installed in the newly refurbished canteen (nobody thought to ask about the pricing structure of the coffee), We have, as requested by the majority of the workforce, been the proud 'owners' of a large flat screen telly stood proud in the corner of the room, like some shining beacon of just how nice a firm this is, Look!! it screams. WE LISTEN TO YOU!!

'They' don't by the way, I know, as I can count myself as part of 'they' no membership fees are payable, simply work hard enough , have yourself elevated to a position in which people can assume you actually hear all the juicy gossip, indeed that they assume you actually care whether a TV or a pool table gets shoved in the canteen.

So. As I returned to my seat, picked up my 55p coffee of choice and brought it to my lips, Mutterings of annoyance were threatening to disturb my viewing of the breaking news that Gordon Brown had called some poor old lady a "Nazi" or something.

Upon returning to the relative safety of my office I inquired further as to what the problem with changing the channel was exactly. Turns out that a rota exists which determines what channel is to be on each day, no room for a brief snapshot of news, or in the case of 4music, entertainment. No, it has been written that each week a piece of paper goes up on a notice board and people choose which channel to watch, this, so I'm told is the fairest way. I would argue that to choose simply one channel would quite possibly be the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Why on earth would you commit nearly 400 people to a day of watching QVC simply because some weirdo wants to watch "electronics hour"? Answer, you wouldn't.

My investigations proved, rather sadly, that QVC has never been chosen.

Now I have many choices to make on a daily basis, what socks to wear for example, deciding which channel the works telly should be locked on is not one I'm prepared to contribute on. I have on the other hand, had both time and will enough to find the remote for aforementioned telly and plan on creating havoc on a daily basis. you wish to watch the Jeremy Kyle show Shelly? no problem. top gear on channel Dave you say Mark? allow me.

So in summery, public ownership simply doesn't work, if only I had been consulted before we all bought a load of banks debts, never mind, maybe next time. At least I managed to complete my working day without calling a little old lady a bigot. Nice one Gordon.

SPS

x

ps

Don't get me started on why a cup of coffee is 55p, you can have no idea the levels of 5p hoarding that goes on since the machines give no change. It's barbaric. bloody bigots.

The NHS in Stoke, Ash clouds & reminders on Hanley bus station

Well this is my debut blog and I have been invited by a work colleague as she appreciates my ability for a good rant. If I enjoy it you may be reading more of my strange tales but we will see how it goes. And if my enthusiasm (Or lack of) and my addiciton to you tube halts this. Apologies for any spelling mistakes.

The NHS in Stoke-On-Trent:

My first topic. DISCLAIMER: This rant is in no way aimed at the Doctors, Nurses, Ambulance men, Support staff, Clerical staff and 1000s of other volunteers who keep this institution running on a daily basis. And obviously not everyone in Stoke is haggard,obese and unemployed although if you visit A & E or Hanley bus station you would struggle to break the myth.

PART 1: Unfortunately I have recently being involved in an accident that resulted in a broken foot we wont go into the precise details. This gave me the joyous pleasure of sitting in the fracture clinic at Hartshill for some 4 hours. A number of highlights. 1st off the initial sight of about 150 people from North Staffordshire with ailments of all kinds and plenty of stories. And it would seem relatives and friends willing to sit with them. Some up to 5 people. 90 % of which were haggard,obese and/or unemployed. No wonder the place was chaos with a 1-4 ratio taking up valuable waiting areas. As I sat on a table due to the lack of room not one of the many haggard creatures of the potteries offered me a seat. They merely looked at me as if I was the problem. My advice for which ever idiot is voted in two weeks. Please let only a 1-1 ratio in aforementioned clinic. After waiting for 2 hours I was then sent to a corridor to wait for a further 30 minutes. Again this area had god knows how many hanger onners looking for a free brew and somewhere other than the cafe on Hanley bus station or Ladbrokes to hang around. On the point of free refreshments. I ended up paying £3 for a bag of crisps and the worst cheese and tomato sandwich of all time. The look of disgust on my face must have been priceless. Although in the corner of my eye balanced on a table I could see the 3 witches of Macbeth drooling at the thought of stealing it. They would have bought one but they had no joy on the national and dole day is Thursday.

PART 2: Finally I was seen and treated by a very pleasant doctor who has a lot better things to do than treat me and 99% of the other people in the fracture clinic. By their very nature most of which are self inflicted. I then made my way to the casting room where I was met with another over crowded waiting room. This time I managed to get a seat although I wish id taken ear plugs. Sat some 4 chairs away was a Jim Davidson sound alike trying to be funny. By this I mean trying to be racist but not having the balls to say what he actually meant. I meanwhile listened getting angry with each sentence and mumbling under my breath. The conversation centred around the fact that his accident had been caused by a taxi driver to quote, "You know what their sort are like." By their sort id assumed people making a living from driving people around?!?! No it appears he meant someone of Asian ethnicity. He then went on to slag off the staff that had seen him in part 1. Apparently they couldn't speak very good English. He didn't think to thank them for fixing him after travelling 1000s of miles away from family and friends. To only be confronted by Neanderthals in the Potteries. I just hope the taxi driver does a better job next time.

Ash clouds:

How can a natural disaster cause so much chaos? Just ask the British Media. Every kind of map possible to explain that essentially they aren't flying for two reasons. One the morale panic on 9/11 Princess Diana scale that would have happened even if 1 plane had to land a little quickly. And two the cost of cleaning engines dirtied by the clouds which according to a good source would have been 10 times the cost of cancelling all flights. Plus they wouldn't have been able to bully the government and the EU into paying all the comp out. I have heard rumours of a flying disc being chased by fighter planes down the M4 but i'l leave the conspiracy theories to David Icke. (Maybe Thomas Cook is actually a reptilian that dwells beneath Buckingham palace.) I have also enjoyed the ridiculous escapades of plains,trains and automobile style stories. My particular fave a Music professor and his wife went as follows. Flight to Amsterdam. Taxi to Belgium. (Why a taxi I don't know). Train to Paris to Calais. Ferry to Britain. His quote, "Well its the British Dunkirk spirit isn't it?" Yes another pointless unplanned escapade into insanity. I note you only hear about the rich people able to take part in these stories of complete stupidity.

On a lighter note there must have been some effect. My mum wiped the outside table at hers and brought in the cloth, "Look that's that ash you know its everywhere." Showing me a cloth with a black substance not to dissimilar to ash but more likely to be non de-script dirt. Her evidence was backed up by someone from her coffee morning group. "Well she said she could taste the ash when she was cycling." Comedy gold. My mum wont be voting for David Cameron. After his egg-ceptional display at the Cornish 6th form, " Oh daft bugger what a waste of an egg." Just wish Cameron had swung at the hoody Prescott style although hes far too smug for that.

To sign off. A story donated by a friend of mine on waiting for a bus in Hanley this morning. A man holding a free pen from a betting shop you know the little blue ones. Wrote dole 1.30 on his hand. It could have been a reminder for a horse or an appointment. I'm just wondering whether it came in or not?

Unhappy? Strap this on your head.

It's 9:11am. Switch on BBC News and there's Beverley Callard sitting on the sofa disclosing details of her clinical depression and subsequent ECT.

"After a couple of weeks, I couldn't even remember my own name"

Since reading about Lou Reed's ECT to cure his homosexuality, it's safe to say, I'm not a big fan of this treatment. Lou Reed himself confesses that this moronic remedy left him devoid of emotion and the proceeding aim of his parents to make him normal did quite the opposite, in leaving Reed as a blank and heartless being.

When it comes to Callard, I'm not sure that much work is needed to achieve the above results. It will be interesting to see how Liz is played in the future though won't it? Instead of the lycra wearing, northern equivalent of the MILF (arguable), will we see an unimpassioned, cold-fish of a woman? I hope so. Where that is not an attack on Callard herself, sympathy for her presupposed condition is limitless, but to appear on morning news describing the positive effects? Your wool isn't covering anyone's eyes. That's the thing though. Maybe it is. She actually started off talking about the positive effects of anti-depressants and then concluded with "and you don't think the ECT is going to work, then it really does. I'm quite an imaginative person so I thought I could smell rotting flesh." Give you a clue, your imagination is working overtime if you're presuming that was down to your imagination. Come on everyone, strap this to your head, feel happy.

I for one hope this has a slight effect on the costume choice for Liz. No matter how many exercise videos you do Bev, that cleavage still doesn't sit right with me around tea time.

xxxx

Her Indoors

"It ain't so stereotypical man, not for a stereotypical man"
Professor Green, 2010


As it goes, having an obsessive personality can be quite educational. In the last few years, I seem to have developed obsessions (that usually last around 3-4 days) with powerful and/or iconic and/or stereotype defying women, ranging straight throught from Natalie Clifford Barney, to Mata Hari, to Grace Jones, to Anna Wintour. It usually goes something like this:

Day 1//
Discover said being and do ground work, this can include google images, wikipedia and your basic surface knowledge.
Day 1a, later//
Youtube. Of course.
Day 2//
Articles, searching out books, music, films etc - obsession at a deeper level.
Disclose specific obsession to others - sometimes works in favour, sometimes does quite the opposite.
Day 3//
More articles. This tends to be a day of repetition as most of the surface knowledge has been sought out and to dig deeper would equal time and effort.
Day 4//
Half hearted to say the least. All of the knowledge that I desire is usually gained by this day and I start to move on.

To keep me stimulated for 4 days, so to speak, is impressive. Says something about these women - hugely influential, fascinating and powerful people. Probably says something about me too but the less said about that the better.

With a general election going on in the UK, with these aforementioned figures in mind, as an entire race of their own, why do parties feel in order to appeal to female voters, they have to emphasise policies regarding maternity leave, parenting and community? Do female voters not care about the deficit, global warming or events in Iraq? Evidently not quite as much as having an extra week off when they don't want to leave their sprog round their mums for the first time.

It's a true insult that the only thing Miriam Gonzalez Durantez, Sarah Brown and Samantha Cameron are good for is the colour of their dresses. Perhaps this is the case in the latter (see what the blanket of tory cynicism has done? It's even turned me against his wife and encouraged me to spout ridiculous nonsense regarding her choice of dress colour, I've obviously been dragged down) - no. Surely, I hear you say, they should be yellow, red and blue, intentional choices born from support of their dear husbands. Well, I've got news for you Miriam, no matter how flattering that lovely cotton summer dress is, due to unfortunate psephological realities, it doesn't matter how darling you look.

I digress.

Back to the original. It's a little bit offensive of the parties to offer specific policies for women. Do men not care that their children are looked after properly and appropriately if and when the mothers of said spawn choose to return to work? Do men just care about money, immigration, education, curry, tits and football? What do you think David? (Again, David is to blame)

Actually David. Whilst you're here, what do you say? I've got to stay married to that bloke that I don't get on with, have nothing in common with and don't even fancy anymore just to get my tax discount? Oh, you do? I see. Living.in.a.dreamworld.

To conclude, because I think I'd better. In the world that we live in today with such influential women as Angela Merkel, Michelle Bachelet, Anna Wintour (mentioned twice because I love her), Gail Berman, Margaret Chan, Gloria Arroyo, Ho Ching, Sonia Gandhi, Anne Lauvergeon, Deborah Harry, Kathryn Bigelow, Vivienne Westwood, Jane Campion, Laura Mulvey, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, JK Rowling, Lynn Elsenhans, Ning Ying, Bette Midler, Stella McCartney, Indra Nooyi, Cristina Fernandez, Nnegest Likké, Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey** and even VB herself (she's quite influential don't you know), it proves that girls can think too you know, and not just about fucking nappies.

The end.
xxxxxxx

**This list is exaggerated for a REASON.