Witaj!

"SeaWorld trainer dies in killer whale attack in Orlando"......if I was being kept in a tank that in comparison was the size of my bath I too would be pretty fucked off.
CDT, 2010

This is just unbelievable isn't it.

I mean really. Since 1993, the general consensus on the Killer Whale has been that of affection. Since that one step for Shamu, one giant leap for Killer Whale kind, they've taken us in. Those creatures have cast their monochrome charm over us like the flight of a rather over zealous death eater. That is, until today when SeaWorld resident/detainee Tilikum turned on his trainer, which resulted in a rather harsh yet, animated (one has to imagine) death.

I'll be honest. You would think the word 'killer' would give a hint of a clue to the nature of these animals. Things don't get dubbed 'killer' for nothing. You have your bogstandard killers, who are in fact killers - Ian Huntley, Myra Hindley and Harold Shipman, for want of a less predictable set. It must take a few nasty acts to gain that very title. Working on the basis that, you don't get branded a killer if you actually are not... especially in species terms, then why on earth was this attack such a surprise to so many?

I'll tell you why.

1993.
Free Willy.

That's right. The early nineties played host to a rather specific form of propaganda. Propaganda in favour of the 'killer whale' - it made the world forget the meaning of a whole word. This must be the 9329021st time I've said this but, 'KILLER'...

So it turns out, Tilikum had killed before, killed along with causing great bodily harm to a number of trainers. Well done Warner Bros. You worked your dreamland magic, where orphans always get adopted, fish are caught in paper every time they are thrown and animals labelled 'killers' are in actual fact, loving sloths craving the freedom of the vast Ocean.

Why don't people learn? Why don't these morons learn? This is a creature, when faced with a mere human being, a creature that remains to be seen as a threat. That's not to be sniffed at, Chuck Tomkins, Head of Animal Training at SeaWorld. You have a whale, in a pool the size of a bath and then you have a human, standing on the side of said pool, irritating the fuck out of you. We must think back to Michael Douglas in 'Falling Down' - she was obviously an absolute nobhead.

Anyway.

I feel I may have slandered the whale slightly - the repetition of the k word is evident. I have to say though, going back to the start, if someone shoved me in a room the size of a filing cabinet, I wouldn't be best pleased.

RJB XXXX

PS. Polish!

ay up duck, ow yit been?

So due to unforeseen circumstances (broken laptop charger) the author of this blog is in a bit of a pickle. Wanting to blog, yet the countdown has started, one hour charge left..no way to do anything about this until tuesday when the new charger arrives (thank-you internet shopping) SO rushing to her rescue like a knight in shining armour I.AM.HERE.

Now let me introduce myself I'm Steve (don't call me Junior)... Tonight we have mainly been watching Saturday night TV, now we are pretty sure you are all out and about getting drunk, covering your thighs in mayo (Natto) tripping the light fantastic (Christian) or scanning this blog for banned words (Becky's Mum).

Being young (ish?) happening people (Becky's words not mine) we are pretty unfamilar with Saturday night telly, what follows is our review of tonights main course in the feast offered up by ITV..

Take me out (ITV1 7:30pm Saturday nights)

Some things, when you read / hear about them, sound utter rubbish, yet when you actually watch them despite yourself, turn out in fact to be BLOODY.AMAZING. Sadly, Take me out isnt one of those, yet...here we are having just finshed watching we seem to be able to talk about little else, why is this? Is it because we have been drinking? No, though yes we are, but it's early we aren't that.drunk, or is it because of Paddy's charm and wit ("No likey no lighty!!!") unlikely. The only thing we can put it down to, is that we really like watching people being mortified at not being chosen, having nobody to choose from after all the lovely ladies turn their lights off. . It doesnt even make us feel better about ourselves, if anything it makes us feel uneasy. I for one would never dare risk my ego to the extent to apply to appear, get accepted, turn up on the evening in question say some rather generic lines, eat a bit of fire, or any other party trick I could dream up. To only get rejected by a bunch of girls I know nothing about.

We could base this blog on Becky's thoughts about how (although she deffo isnt a raging feminist, honest guv) it's all a bit tacky, the answers given by the girls for instance, are nothing short of cringeworthy....Steve, shut up and move over....HI!!! it's ME I'm reclaiming control of MY blog......

I'm not quite sure what to say. Two things. 1. I hate Take Me Out (conceptually) 2. I love Take Me Out (brutal truth)... so it's difficult to pick it apart whilst not, in part, being guilty of a multitude of sins. However, I will. We all do it.

The girls, I will leave to Stephen as I've not got much of an opinion and well, there's more of them.

The blokes. I WILL comment on.

Contestant 1: TOM
Under par Flash Harry, his VT showed him making his fortune, then losing it, then sticking to a bar he now owns and in his words 'uses to attract the ladies' or something slightly more bile inducing. He's wearing a velvet jacket. That's quite enough about Tom, I'm sure you have the full picture.

Contestant 2: Jack
Not bad looking but horrible all the same. A genuine lack of talent, in any form.. his VT just shows 'Jack' poncing around at a swimming pool and his party trick is erm, dressing up as a gladiator and pulling that generic body builder stance.

Contestant 3: Christian
Blackpool charmer. Elderly, one might say. Dressed in all black, suaaaave Mr. Or not. His party trick is swinging a stick and hitting a brick. The two main qualities that I personally look for in a gentleman. Think of Dave from Gavin and Stacey - he reminded me of him. The girls 'no lightey'd' when his VT EXPOSED Dave, sorry, Christian.. as a grandad. Enough said.

Contestant 4: Ben (the worst of all three)
Smarmy prick is how I'd describe this fellow. Not only was he greased up, smooth and pronounced his t's with d's... the Take Me Out production team introduced an interesting spin on this character. As our main protagonist, the winner with most of the ladies... Ben, it stated, on two fucking massive screens, is worth £10,000,000. Now. I've seen some vulgar things in my time. Natto, mayo. This just made me say bad things. Yes mum, bad things. Not that bad thing, don't worry. Although, that fits.

Worst.Men.Ever. That's my contribution. xxxxx

Becky, give.it.back...my turn!!!

Hi folks, sorry about that interuption....I (Steve) now have full control once again....

I would comment on the ladies 'on offer' in tonights show...but that would take too long and, as a Gemini one of my traits is my lack of an ability to work on something for more that five minutes before becoming bored and letting someone else finish it off (once I have done all the fun parts of course).

Suffice to say the ladies on offer (by the way doesnt the phrase 'on offer' make it sound like a cattle market?) were not really my cup of tea, I'm sure in their own way at least some of them are very nice, apart from that one with the crazy hair (I apologise now for lack of names here, I'm bad with names, indeed I forgot my own name when only a few minutes ago I rang someone, thought they had answered, only it turned out it was their Mum, not sure why this made me stutter nervous laugh quite so much but it did. Sorry to the person that answered, I'm not a gibbering idiot all of the time, honest) Only one of the girls featured looked like I might actually like her, she never got to speak, so I'm unsure, I'll keep the proposal on hold until I've heard her speak, it's for the best.

In summary, Take me out isnt very good, it's a glorious cacophony of a tv show... maybe deep down we really did just like to laugh at people after all.

Bye!!

SPS & RJB
xxxxxxxxxx

PS. As per my greeting, today I'm from Yorkshire. Fancy! (I'm not actually from Yorkshire, it's Lincolnshire, yes yes I know you all probably have no idea where that is..lets just say near Hull and down a bit????

PPS. I'm sure it hasn't escaped your attention that I have managed to write this without resorting to disrespectful curse words, I feel RJB should take this lesson on board and learn from it.

Përshëndetje!

Yeah I know. Two blog posts in two days, like whoa!

This is just a little un.

Last night, the charger for my laptop finally broke on me. Then my dvd failed to work. Then, the dvd that I chose to watch would not play in the other player. Technology is taking out some serious frustration this weekend. Go ahead technology, I don't care. I've resorted to cupcake baking and working on being the domestic goddess that I.know.I.can.be. Anyway. So, cupcakes coming along nicely, I flick on ITV, family film? How nice.

Richie Rich.

My first thoughts were nothing more than 'I quite like this, it can stay on', 'Oh McCauley Culkin :(' and 'it'll sort of do for 20 mins'... then, it was that bit in the film where Mr & Mrs Rich are off on a trip to visit the Queen. The quintessentially English butler 'Cad-Berry' (could be Cadbury, pronunciation is inconsistent across the pond no?) arranges for a bunch of hoodlems to visit Richie. However, get this. They're pretty good kids. This pleased me, pleased me a lot and, I didn't even consider why until writing this very post. Anyway. These non-demonised figures are exposed to the wealth of Mr Richie Rich. He has a basketball court in his office, his own McDonalds, an array of quad bikes, a 'kidapult' (imagine.) and, his very own rollercoaster. Combined, all of these things sparked something inside me. I'll be open and honest with all (2) of you, I was impressed, impressed by money. That thing inside me, that was lit... that was my basic materialistic nature roaring after being suppressed (not that well, I still like dresses) for quite a while. Richie has his.very.own.rollercoaster? Who is not impressed by that?? It stirs the same feelings as Clueless does. Hello, Cher Horowitz has that outfit choosing system which is just ay-may-zing.

Anyway, I watched a little bit more and realised yep, I'm still a tad impressed by wealth. Has to be proper though, Richie Rich hyperbolic wealth, the sort of wealth that if this was real, it'd make me quite sick. What a conundrum.

That's it for now whilst I ponder my own mixed feelings towards money, materials and well, he has his own rollercoaster for goodness sake.

RJB xxx

PS. Albania Albania!
PPS. Started off as a little un anyway.

Sawubona!

So I may not be the most enlightening offering in this so called Blogosphere and, as opposed to how things usually go, these posts are generally not usually worth the wait but, it's my blog and I'll post when I bloody well like thank you very much.

This time, I have a gripe. I have a gripe with the world. Yes.

Tiger Woods.

Why on earth should he have to apologise to the public about his record of adultery?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a fan of these acts. I don't actually totally condone them, as everyone has their own reasons. Folk close to me in fact, have not been the most monogamous of individuals but this in my humble opinion doesn't make them the devil incarnated. Everyone has their own reasons for their life choices, each to their own, all as individual.. blah blah. Right? So why, does a mere golfer (yeah, alright) feel the need to 1. express shame for his actions to the world and 2. express apology to the world? I'm sure this has affected his world quite enough, let alone that of his wife, but as a celebrity, should these people who hog quite-so-much of the dreaded limelight accept a sort of ethical and moral responsibility to society (Heat readers) hand in hand with their celebrity status?

Personally. I can see why Woods has done this. As one of the biggest sports personalities of the last couple of decades (I think)... surely Woods is a brand rather than a human being. However, that's just it. He's a human being. Who, will make mistakes or, not make mistakes, he surely will make decisions, be quite taken over with lust from time to time which just so happens... this time, was not directed towards his 'lovely wife' - that's not sarcasm by the way. I'm sure she's lovely.

Erm, I digress.

My point is, although he's taken on this status and, in his case... not through any choice of his own, surely he's welcome to make any basic human decision as the rest of us are. Is it really up to Tiger bloody Woods to apologise for his actions? I mean, who is personally offended by one person out of billions cheating on his wife? I have no comment regarding domestic abuse as he's denied this one, but even if he wilfully admitted it, I really.could.not.give.a.fuck. I mean alright, it's not very nice for her but come on, there's worse things in life than being the wife of a cheating golf superstar? ANYWAY, ANYWAY, I'M GETTING DRAWN IN. I still really couldn't give a fuck what he does, what she does, what he's sorry for, how she'll try to spice up the relationship in the future to attempt to prevent this sordid, horrendous, mystifying, abhoring, VILE ACT from happening again...

I just think, he should really not have to apologise.
1. What's done is done, sort it out between yourselves.
2. Who really cares?*

*If you choose to answer this question, then surely, it speaks volumes.

The END.

RJB XXX

PS. I'm ZULU!

Salaam!

Hello Monday.

If you weren't so full of smiles and private laughs to myself, I'd curse you. However Monday, because you're treating me fairly well, you're alright with me, old friend. You are after all, only the second to worst day in our 7 day week. To confirm, good to bad, days are as follows :

Saturday
Friday
Sunday
Thursday
Wednesday
Monday
Tuesday

Probably best to leave that one there as it's 1. boring. That's it.

As some of you may or may not be aware, I have a little issue recollecting events/people/everything when I've been slightly drunk, so I'll offer a snippet of things running through my mind relating to the weekend just gone. This may include people, funnies, quotes, events, music, images, places, whatever... you know, it really depends where my thoughts go, but I'll try to go chronological at least. Try, operative word.

Car. Sleepy. Dirty Cash. Lanes. Curry. Wine. Sleeps. Early. Service stations.

Wait, let me just stop here. This list is pretty all encompassing, but the latter half of the weekend is almost GUARANTEED to offer more. In my mind anyway, as far as I erm, remember.

C's house. Tubes. Soho. Coffee. Angry fuck? Fatcats. Wine. Wine. Wheelie Bin. Takeaway waiting area/VIP room complete with MDF tables and cobwebs. New girls. Plastic cups. Wine. Taxi. You're a cow, not a human. Get him sacked. Home. Dancing. Wine. GRINDR. Electro Boy. Hip hop. Let the dog see the rabbit. Voicemails :( Nice ears. Sleeps.

Breather..

Morning. Tango. Hula Hoops. Glasses. S. Stories of street urchins and general fumbles. Wine. Cocktails. Catch ups. L! C's. Wine. Gin and juice bus. G-A-Y Bar. I wish I were a gay man. Traipse. Incidents. Phone calls. Chats. Bar. Wine. Spaniard capes. Heavy metal rickshaw. Sonia. Old cunt. Thanks Aston! Dances. Wine. Paul. C's Tom. Laughs.

(I am laughing to myself loads now.)

Geezers. DPR? DPR. There's only a certain amount of times you can hear I love you. No socks. I like your handbag - DON'T TRUST THEM. Laughs. Beers in cups. Chicken Balls? Chicken Balls. Sammink for the veggie. Want to try it on, look like more of a cunt? Sometimes I just go out with my passport and a monkey. £75. Grey haired scouser. Pie and mash? Taxi. Then my dad had a good year so he bought a house with a swimming pool. C's. Dancing. Laptops. Raps. Leopard. Foot. So I walked through the valley of the shadow of death... I gotta feelin. BOOTS :( Just don't break anything else. FIRE! RAPE! Sleeps.

That's really it. That's my inner monologue for you right there.

Boring to others isn't it? Nobody promised excitement.

If these words don't paint a picture, don't express why I've been glad to get out of Stoke, then perhaps this
goes to explain a little further. Now I'm back home. Hi Stoke.

RJB
xxx

PS. I'm Arabic today :)